When my son died, a bomb went off in my life. My life stopped and everything became so insanely difficult. Cooking, showering, organizing, remembering things, going out into the world, just about everything felt impossible. I kept waiting for things to get better and for these basic abilities to return. But that wasn’t happening very fast.

I felt like I needed to hurry up and get to a place where I was strong enough to manage my life normally. I felt like if I could get to that place, I would be strong enough to do all the things my life required me to do. I’d be strong enough to survive my son’s death. I felt like until I got to that place; my life sat waiting for me to live it. I eventually realized that this would be a long and slow process. And honestly, I had no idea how to get there.

But I had found something that was very helpful… a resting day. When I was overwhelmed, I took a resting day. I allowed myself to let go of simple responsibilities and focused on healing. Those days helped me, they made me stronger. But those days also brought guilt and shame, and that took my strength. So I decided I would allow myself 1000 resting days. At the time it sounded extreme, but that’s what I picked. I felt that 1000 days was such an extreme amount that I was okay to rest until I got there.

It helped me let go of the guilt, no more beating myself up for what I wasn’t able to do. No more comparing my abilities in this new life to the abilities I had in the old one. Because that was scary and made me feel like I would never be okay again. It allowed me to fully rest.

1000 days of allowing myself to do what I needed to do to rest and to heal. If I was exhausted and didn’t want to do the dishes, I didn’t. If I needed to go to bed at 5 pm. I did it. If I was overwhelmed at 2 am… I would call someone to talk. If dinner was overwhelming, tacos it is.

My one rule was that I couldn’t stop fighting against the ocean of pain that seemed to always be trying to eat me. I wouldn’t give up and let go and live in the darkness. Resting is not the same as giving up. I vowed to keep doing the things I had found that were helpful while I rested. I vowed to make sure I reached out when I needed to and I would keep trying to find small things that helped me feel okay, even if just for a few minutes, I had to keep going and keep fighting. My hope was that by doing this, I would one day find myself strong enough. And that is exactly what happened.

I found things that helped me calm down like tea, yoga and breathing. They became my “calming tools“. I found things that made me feel good like yummy food and doing my nails. They became my “positive activities”. I found the things that helped me grow, heal, and build my new life like reading books and going to therapy. They became my “Building Things“.

Those things were things I WAS able to do, so that is what I did. I did the things I could do when I could do them, and I rested when I couldn’t … for 1000 days.

Today marks 1000 days since my son’s death. And although my journey is not over, because it’s never over, I am so much stronger and I’m able to walk forward. I don’t need to go back and be able to live life the old way now that my 1000 days have ended, but I am able to start living the new one.

Allowing myself 1000 resting days was what I needed. It allowed me to rest, heal and sleep the way my soul needed to. No other tragedy will every require such deep healing and rest as losing your kid does. Allowing these days took away the rush, the obligations, and the push to get back to a “normal” life.

For a mother to lose their child is different than any other loss. We gave them life. The journey to healing is a very personal, and for me… allowing myself 1000 resting days allowed me to find myself and heal myself in ways that reach far beyond the death of my son. It allowed me to heal without the opinions and judgments from those who have never experienced such a deep loss.

I have found some of the most helpful things throughout this journey have come from other mothers willing to share their journey. This is my journey, my own experiences and what I have learned. Maybe some of these things can help other mothers who find themselves on this difficult and scary path.