While the idea of seeking and remaining calm was my first task and helped me tremendously to get a bit of a handle on the constant chaos that I seemed to find myself in, I found that I also needed to lift myself up at times.

As time went by I started to see patterns emerge as things happened in my life. If something even remotely stressful was happening, life got really hard and seemed to snowball. Laundry was overwhelming and I would simply forget to make dinner…..it was as if stressful situations would completely knock me off course for a good week or two.

In the beginning I just had to ask for help for the simple things. I have a sister who drove 15 hours to my house a few times during the first year and helped me cook and clean and most importantly, be a fun and happy presence in our space. So in the beginning, the positivity had to come from someone else, and that’s okay.

But the day came when I realized I felt a little bit better when I did things I liked. It was small things like having a cup of coffee or watching a movie with my kids. It sounds silly… but those things were a very big deal because made me feel better for just a few minutes.

So I started to do one small positive activity every day. Sometimes I would buy a new plant or a new book. Sometimes I would watch a funny video or go eat a taco in the car with my husband. Sometimes I would sit and hug my new little puppy.

My neighbor’s dog had puppies about one year after my son died. I got one, and she saved me in so many ways. She was something to take care of and love and hug. She just brought joy and energy into my house. Not that I am saying rush out and get a puppy, but for me, getting my sweet little Daphne was such a good decision.

But it doesn’t really matter what you choose… it just needs to offer a spark of happiness and joy. Sometimes it was just hugging a kid that happened to be walking by. This was such a powerful way to get a little bit of good into each day. And it started to make good things grow.

As time went by I started to plan them. If a stressful event was coming up like my sons birthday for example, I could have a positive activity in mind and ready so when the day came, or the days following, I would have something good to look forward to. When this became a weekly thing instead of a daily thing I did my nails with my twin daughters who are in their 20s. This was fun and we could sit and chat.

Some of these have become consistent like getting my hair done. But sometimes its more sporadic or when I am just having a hard day. Sometimes it’s just going through all my beads, or starting a new crocheted blanket. These small things really help to make a good day. And having a good day is like medicine when life is this heavy.

The idea behind this is to slowly incorporate things that that make you feel better and lift you up. It doesn’t matter what it is, just look for little things that feel good. Tiny little things add up over time and you can start to see good things and good feelings begin to come back into your daily life. It’s about remembering that this is a slow build and following along with what your heart is trying to do. Adding good in there brings you to a place where you can participate in what your life is changing into.

Prize Days

When my son died, it was clear that I could not heal the pain for my other 5 kids. I watched them hurt and I couldn’t fix it. I felt hopeless and powerless and was struggling so much in my own pain that I felt there was very little I could do to comfort and help them beyond lots of love and hugs. So I starting doing prize days..or for us girls (I have 3 daughters) sweater days.

My two youngest were 12 and 15 at the time so I did a prize day every month for them. Nothing extravagant or expensive..just something fun and exciting. And Legos and fun coloring books brought them a bit of joy. Our house was sad and everyone cried so much that I figured a monthly dose of something fun would be good for them. It worked and made the days easier. Sometimes a new cardigan proved to be the cozy hug our heart needed. Or Amazon if your kids have moved out. You can ship whatever you want where ever you want.

I think there were times that giving my kids a prize day was more healing for me than it was for them. But it felt good for me to give them a hug in the form of a new coffee cup or a book. I just wanted to create a habit of adding some good into my own days as well as the lives of my family. These things made a big difference for us.