One of the first things I noticed after my son died was how different everything was. I felt differently about so many things. Things that used to make me anxious suddenly did not bother me at all, and things that I used to do without thinking became incredibly difficult. And the new hard things? Well, they were a whole new level of overwhelmingly impossible.

It was like my soul went from living on the land to being thrown out to sea.

Living on the land is difficult, even though we have always lived there. We have to learn how to take cover and find shelter from the storms of life. But this new place, out in the dark waters of the ocean is beyond terrifying. Not only are there storms from above, but there is no solid ground beneath your feet, so you are pummeled from the outside and swallowed up from within. There is simply no place to go and no way to escape.

You are at the mercy of the ocean. And the ocean does what it wants. But to willingly remain at the mercy of the ocean is to remain an observer of our lives, and that is the most powerful position of control we can have.

The crazy thing about living on the land is that we forget how many things about our life we can change. We get used to the way things are, the things we allow, and the things we do. We often don’t really need to change things. But being thrown out to sea changes how we see everything, and we suddenly have to change so much.

The ocean is a combination of grief mixed with all of our own shattered pieces. A child’s death rips away a part of you that lives in the very core of your soul. It’s a place that you don’t even know exists unless it gets ripped away. And if it does, you quickly find yourself completely shattered and engulfed in a pain so deep that I personally was convinced it would kill me. How do you even do anything when you end up there?

For me, I eventually realized that it wouldn’t kill me but the only way to survive this was to learn how to manage life in the ocean, because who knows how long we live out here or if we ever get to go back to land. In other words, we have to build a boat.

Building a boat requires two things. First, you need to build the foundation, then you can build it any way you want. In other words, what truths and beliefs will become the foundation of your new life? Followed by what do you want your life to look like.

The best thing to build the boat on is the truth. Not some fake positivity, pretty Instagram quote kind of truth, but the real truth. The truth about relationships, yourself, life and death or even about God. What do you believe about everything around you? These things are much more important than we realize. These things aren’t “just your opinions” they are actually what we build our lives on.

Ocean life is simply a different way of living, and it takes quite the adjustment. So different that it’s often not understood by the land dwellers. Some people disappear from our lives because they don’t understand. Some disappear simply because they don’t want to participate in something so painful. Some people can be incredibly unkind and hurtful, both on purpose and not on purpose.

One of the hardest parts is how invisible and misunderstood this journey is. This tragedy tends to do some natural filtering of who should remain in your life and who should not. Let go of the people who treat you poorly or walk away. And genuinely embrace the ones who stick around and face the storm with you. Tragedy has a way of naturally revealing peoples true colors and who is part of your true tribe.

This type of loss forces us to see life through a whole new pair of glasses. It makes us re-evaluate absolutely everything. The truth is, there are only two kinds of problems. The kind you can do something about and the kind you can’t. Determining the difference between the two is powerful. Because if we can fix the problems that are fixable, we are more able to carry the ones that are unfixable. Sifting through all the broken things is the best time to examine what you believe and what’s important to you, it’s actually the best time to rebuild.

Building a new life is slow, but life will automatically present you with what aspects of life you should work on next. Take them as they come and work on what you can, if you can’t fix something… gently set it back out to the sea. It will return when the time is right.

If we can become observers of our life and remain aware in the midst of difficult things, we can assess them and ask ourselves what we need, what we want, and what we are currently able to offer. This process allows us to learn a lot about ourselves and those around us, it generates a lot of strength on the inside. This process also builds the boat.

Re-defining your inner truths and perspectives and genuinely embracing this new life is incredibly powerful and creates a strong and secure place to stand. It strengthens us and offers the opportunity to live life in a good and meaningful way.

When things that don’t have an easy answer (or any answer at all), go after the tools you need to get there. Get into therapy or talk to a friend, read some books, join a grief group, or even something as simple as crocheting a blanket and journaling. Whatever you find that is helpful for you to gain the tools you need to participate in creating the rest of your life.

The most important thing is to have grace with yourself because you were just thrown out to sea. Nobody automatically knows how to live out here. Allow yourself time to learn what you want life to be. Allow yourself time to heal and move as slowly as you need to and rest as often as you need.

I guess this has a lot to do with finding yourself. Finding and loving your true self offers such strength to face this ugly world. This is YOUR journey, YOUR story, and YOUR fight and very few will ever even come close to understanding. So, walk your path and live your journey and rebuild the new you within yourself according to you. I’m not saying throw away morals and treat people however you want. Always be kind and respectful and do your best to do what’s right… but also stand strong and be honest and fight for yourself, you need things now that you have probably never needed before, and you have to fight for them. Nobody lives in your boat but you. Create what you want it to be.

And also, seek Jesus. I’m not saying go buy a bumper sticker and necklace and play the part. That’s not what I mean. I mean seek Jesus inside of yourself in those quiet places of anguish. God truly sees you and pokes a hole into your life offering things that help and that heal.