In the beginning of this journey, all I could focus on was sleeping, eating and doing my best to seek a calm and quiet space to rest and heal. As time went by, I started to see that when I did small positive things during the day, my life began to get better, and I started to feel stronger and more in charge of what I wanted my new life to include. As I continued to get stronger, I became aware of even more things I could do to help grow my new life.

One day I stumbled across the serenity prayer, and it resonated with me. It fell in line with my new methods of moving slowly, choosing slowly, and observing slowly. It was written in the 30’s and is still so true today. This is what started my process of collecting tools to build my new life.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Neibuhr

The difference between the things we can change and things we can’t is a powerful distinction to make. Finding the difference gives you some serious power and a good solid way to sort what you can respond to and what must you accept. Choosing how we deal with difficulties has always been hard for everyone. But when you are grieving, it’s a million times harder.

Making these distinctions proved to be a bit harder than I expected them to be. Some were easy but some were not, and that’s when the real work began. Not only was the process of sorting what I had to accept and what I could change influencing my journey of healing from the death of my son, it impacted everything. I really began to see how everything in my life was interwoven.

When I discovered the things that I had the power to change, I sometimes had no idea how change them. So, I started looking at what I needed to be able to do to make the changes I wanted to make. Those things are the building tools.

It almost sounds like it’s unnecessary work to figure all of this out while trying to recover from such a painful and heavy tragedy. I wondered the same in the beginning, but it actually helped me heal in many ways because it made me stronger and gave me control. It helped me make good decisions about who I spent my time with. It helped to make good decisions about what was best for my family. I have learned a lot about dealing with fear, anxiety and exhaustion… a lot of the ugly things that unfortunately became a very big part of my daily life.

While everyone’s building tools will look different, these are mine and they continue to offer such good things in my life. Building tools allow you to do just that…build. You can learn to build relationships, assertiveness, or healthy boundaries. You learn a lot about yourself along the way also. But where do you find building tools? Here’s where I go.

Journaling

One of the most powerful things that I found was journaling. It took me 25 days to be able to write anything out. But I quickly realized how important it was. There are no rules or structure or right way to do it. Just dump your guts. Writing out how I felt and what I faced every day helped me let go of hard things and to see things clearer because I could put it all out in front of myself. It helped me to feel like I had a bit of a handle on the things going on around me. Simply organizing small pieces of the chaos just helps you to feel a little bit in control. It also kept a record of my journey through those darkest days. Things I quickly forgot because I lived in a fog for so long. That record showed evidence of my healing and that alone was gold. This practice is still important for me.

Therapy

Going to therapy offers so much good to your life. Dealing with loss is intense and scary, it is good to have a safe space to share what you’re going through and get some good solid advice from someone outside your box. You gain tools to help you cope, and help you manage your loss. Tools to allow yourself space and time to heal and tools to help you know how to respond to people that may be difficult to deal with.

When therapy is a priority, you not only learn healthy ways of managing the stress and pain of the loss, but you also learn healthy ways to respond to regular life stuff. The truth for me was that regular life stuff became a whole lot harder after the death of my son. Learning healthy ways to deal with things was empowering and minimized some of the issues.

Books

I know not everyone is a book worm so this is more about anywhere that holds the knowledge of what you are after. It can also be movies, podcasts, documentaries, interviews on you tube. It’s all about where you can find the answers and knowledge you need for the specific struggle you have. Seeking out specific direction is important because it is personal to something you are struggling with. I learned so much from reading books about grief, mindfulness, trauma, and even how our body is affected by trauma.

I am a bit on the geeky side, so I did a few online courses about processing emotions and a few others. For me they were monumentally helpful, but they were also pretty deep and intense so choose your own pace and involvement in whatever you choose. But this is also a great place to start.

Knowledge is power, and gaining knowledge about how we can heal different things in our lives influences how we live the rest of our life. This is an incredibly powerful tool. What way do you absorb things best? Try a few and see what sticks to you.

Grief Group

Attending a grief group is such a powerful thing for a lot of reasons. You discover you are not as alone as you think you are, and that was a big deal for me. Grief groups can offer great advice and help you answer new and scary questions that are specific to loss. It helps when you can face hard things with others. You also meet great people. I met a few other moms that I will always be connected to through my grief group. It is a powerful thing to be able to talk to someone who is going through what you are.

Let me also make a note here, that this is a slow process and is based solely on your personal journey. This part of the process only starts when you are ready. And it starts small. For example, when things are really heavy, knowing how to set some healthy boundaries can really offer you the space you need to heal. Later on, knowing how to set these boundaries keeps your life going how you want it to. It stops conflicting people and difficult situations from even starting in your space. This is a great tool to have.

In the midst of such a difficult and life shattering tragedy, I seemed to have found a way to participate in the building of my new life. The life that remains after the loss of my son. There is still so much life to live, but getting to place where we can participate in it can be insanely difficult.

These building tools have helped me make a path toward living life again, and now that I have gotten back to functioning… I am beginning to be able to take steps toward creating the life I want to live. A rich and meaningful life where I can enjoy the good things that surround me and gain strength and wisdom from the struggles that come my way.

This is where I was hoping to find myself at the end of my 1000 resting days. And I am so happy to be here because I feel like it’s time to rebuild.