The intense upheaval of everything in life after losing someone you love is complicated, difficult and so painful that you end up feeling anything but calm. But finding a way to calm down and create a space that remains calm on the inside creates a place to heal, rest and get stronger. This felt impossible for me, but I found that by doing a handful of small things often, that place started to build itself each time I needed it.

If we get hurt on the outside, we do what we can to help it heal. We get the creams and the Band-Aids, we take Ibuprophen and we put our foot up, and we set up a space where our injury can heal. We have no choice but to do what we can while our body heals itself. Our heart requires the same thing. The process is the same, it’s just in our soul not our living room. Our spirit knows how to heal just like our body does…and we can help it along as well. The first thing is to create that safe quiet place for our soul to heal in its own way. In this calm place we can help it along.

Sorting through all the things that come along with grieving can feel constant and overwhelming. Our bodies carry our burdens… so calming our bodies often calms our minds and our emotions. These are some of the things that have worked well for me, but anything that helps you gain some balance and find peace is great.

This journey is slow and unfortunately can’t be rushed. There is an acceptance of that that needs to happen in order for the healing to really begin. Just like an injury on the outside that we have to wait to heal… this injury is deep and intensely painful. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself as you heal. Do what you can and be patient with your heart.

For me the first and most important thing in this is mindfulness. Mindfulness is the process of becoming aware of what you’re feeling and experiencing inside and not judging it. Pretty much just looking around inside of yourself and seeing what’s going on and how you’re feeling about things… and not deciding if you should or shouldn’t feel that way, just allow yourself to experience what’s in there. Being mindful of how you feel and allowing yourself to feel it is powerful. Knowing what needs to be addressed is the best and really the only place to start.

In the beginning and if this concept is totally new to you… allowing so many intense emotions can be overwhelming… not only emotionally but physically as well. So I searched for some things would help me calm down in all sorts of different ways. These are the things that I did and what I still do today when I need to find the calm.

Deep Breathing

It sounded dumb to me at first, but it proved to pay off rather quickly. Breathing basically resets your freak out button. It calms down your heart, slows your breathing and relaxes tension in your muscles… when you do that, your thinking slows down and you are able to think and see clearly. Deep breathing helps you to have control over your body when you get overwhelmed and tense. In turn it helps you calm down and feel less overwhelmed or out of control. If you practice this often, it becomes a fast way to get control when you suddenly feel overwhelmed or when difficult things arise. There is a lot to be said for breathing your way through something.

Journaling

This Experience has such intense emotions, questions, frustrations, and struggles that you need a place to sort it all out. Journaling can be very helpful just to help you dump the daily bucket of pain and stress. I journaled daily for almost 2 years and I only realized how much it was helping me when I stopped. Any time I became overwhelmed with daily stuff…it almost always was during a time when I wasn’t writing it out. But do what you feel, painting or sculpting…whatever you want to try. It’s all about inviting and capturing the calm.

Tea

I am sensitive to medications and get every side effect they come with so I needed to find a different way to help myself sleep or just relax. Organic teas helped me tremendously. There are a ton of teas available but I stick to organic ones because I know they work really well. Teas meant for relaxing and helping you sleep can be very helpful. They are inexpensive and available everywhere. My personal favorites are Yogi and Traditional Medicinals brand. Some herbs have been shown to work better than Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication so its a good option if you don’t do well with medication. I drank a cup of tea every night for a solid 2 years and it made a world of difference.

CBD

This made a big difference for me. If you are not familiar with it, it is not pot. It is from the same plant, but it doesn’t make you high or feel weird at all. It has a calming effect similar to tea, but you can take it in the morning and go about your day, where as tea tends to make you sleepy and cozy.

Yoga/Pilates

Pilates or yoga is helpful because it gets you physically moving. Yoga is just stretching and Pilates can be more of a workout depending on what you do but can still be mellow and good. Your emotions have a heavy physical effect, so stretching helps to release emotions and helps with physical tension. Both have proven to be very helpful and there are tons of free videos on you tube. The most important thing is to have some type of physical movement in your routine. Any exercise is good. I just had a hard time being around people and didn’t want to leave my house for quite a long time so yoga worked good for me.

My Garden

For me, sitting in my garden was peaceful, quiet and very calming. I built my garden after the death of my son. It was intended to be my healing space..and it very much is. There are birds and lizards and lots of nature to listen to and be around. So if you have a place that makes you feel good…visit it often and intentionally spend time there. Or create a space that brings you peace.. I believe being in a peaceful spot helps our hearts heal. Even if it just a few minutes at a time.

Whatever you find that helps you calm down is important on this journey. When we are calm we rest and we heal. Sometimes that is the only contribution to our healing that we can make. Being calm helps us to go slower. We need the ability to go slowly and not be pressured to move…that’s how we can make the best decisions about what we want this new life to look like. If we seek calm, we don’t waste energy on fighting our emotions. We can save that energy for when we face things that require it. And for me, energy was a precious resource that I had very little of. So not wasting it proved to be extremely helpful.

Remember this is a long journey and the healing can feel so slow, so be patient with yourself and just do what you can when you can.